Trump: Hi, Doc. I don’t really know why Ivanka sent you to talk to me. But I always do what beautiful women ask me to do, if you know what I mean.
Therapist: Do you think your daughter is concerned about you?
Trump: No. She knows I am, well I don’t want to brag, but she knows I am the best. In every way, actually. In my campaign, I had the biggest crowds. Amazing. America is going to be great again. I hired the best people, but I do know better than the generals and everyone else. I know about winning.
Therapist: Is it realistic to think you are the best at everything? Why is that so important to you?
Trump: It’s not really important to me, but it is to everyone else. I am the President of the United States. And, I have made more money than all the people in the state of New Mexico combined. But, being number one is just a part of why I am going to fix all the world’s problems. I will not be a loser. People like the rich. I was elected because I can’t be corrupted, since I have so much money. My tax returns prove it. Too bad they are being audited. My friend at the IRS knows. I will drain the swamp. I can do it because I helped build it.
Therapist: Let’s change the topic a bit. When you were young, did you feel loved? Did you get the attention you deserved?
Trump: I came from the best family. I had everything I wanted. My father taught me about life. He sent me off to military school to toughen me up. I got tough alright. I made anyone who laughed at me pay. I was the best looking kid at the school. Everyone eventually loved me.
Therapist: I want to be clear about why I am here. Ivanka sent me to you because you have a psychological problem. It’s called narcissistic personality disorder.
Trump: Narcissism? Are you talking about people with big egos?
Trump: Big egos. I know lots of people like this. Ivanka was right to send you here for my help. I know guys who say they can get women but really can’t. Others who say they can make money, but blow deals. Some people I know can’t take the slightest criticism without blowing up. If I were religious, I would say “God help us!” And, now in politics, I see even more people who want power without any thought for the people they serve. Give me a break.
Therapist: You mentioned quite a few of the symptoms. The other symptom is an insatiable need for attention.
Trump: Excuse me a minute. I have to check my twitter feed… No. Idiot. He’ll pay. Write his name down on my list. Just a minute, I have to sent a short tweet.
Therapist: Could you put your phone away? I am trying to talk to you about a serious problem that is a threat to you and the country.
Trump: You sound just like my daily briefers. Okay. Never let it be said that I am not a great listener. How can I help you?
Therapist: I am here to help you.
Trump: You need a job? My cabinet is filling up. Let’s see, how about Health and Human Services? Just one question. Deep down, you really hate people, don’t you? You see, I hired someone for the EPA who does not care about the environment and someone for the Department of Education who wants to eviscerate public education, and someone who doesn’t believe in the law as Attorney General. So to be the head of Health and Human Services, you have to hate everyone.
Therapist: Mr. Trump, I got into this line of work because I want to help people. You need my help.
Trump: No job unless you hate everyone. As they say, “You’re fired.” Excuse me, I am busy right now. Have to get on my fabulous plane. It’s better than Air Force One and cheaper too. I am going to talk with people on my victory tour. I won the election by a huge margin. If people had a chance to vote again, Hillary would not even get 10% of the vote. Jill Stein. What a loser. What’s wrong with these women?
Therapist: Mr. Trump, I don’t want a job. My job is to help you overcome your psychological problems.
Trump: What problems are you talking about? Oh, I know. I do have trouble handling my fame. Being so popular is not easy. Everyone loves me. They just can’t get enough. But I work harder than anyone. I only need three hours of sleep per night. I was thinking about starting a 24/7 reality TV show with only one star–me–to help give the people more exposure to me. Kinda like Big Brother meets the White House (or Trump Towers as the case may be). I have so much money, I don’t know how to spend it all. But more is good. Ask Putin. Four years from now, I’ll have to have help from the IRS to count all my money. I have 400 million Twitter followers. I’d say things are going pretty well. Don’t worry about me. I am the healthiest man on earth.
Therapist: You are the toughest case ever. God. Um. What do I need to do to get that job you offered?
Trump: Take two aspirins. Call me in the morning.
Therapist: I don’t think this headache is going to go away.