If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton win the primaries, what would the debates look like? We’ve seen Hillary battle Bernie and one other now forgotten governor. Name him if you can. I can’t either, even though I contributed five bucks to his campaign. Out of race, out of mind. We’ve also seen The Donald fight with, what was it, seventeen candidates in the early debates? It seemed like the entire Republican party was lined up on the debate stage. They needed two platforms. But, that’s all behind us now, and the future suggests we’ll see a grudge match between Hellacious Hillary and Demented Donald.
Hillary and Donald, mano to mano. Will the forthcoming debate remind us of the exchanges between Mr. Trump and Ms. Fiorina. (She handled him better than any other candidate on the stage.) Or, will this debate add some new twists to the Trump spin?
Two person debates definitely have a different dynamic than three or more person debates because in the couple debate, the conversation is all back and forth, with both parties having to address every question. There is no ganging up on one person. A third party can’t distract our attention away from what’s said by changing the topic. The viewers make a direct comparison between the two combatants. It’s like a boxing match. No one to help a fighter in trouble, but there’s no one else the sluggers have to watch out for sneaking up on them from behind. When Hillary and Donald come at each other from their respective corners, who will throw the first punch? Will there be low blows? Sucker punches?
While it’s difficult to parody debates involving Donald Trump, I’ll give it a try. The press will undoubtedly continue with the “gotcha questions.”
Wolf Blitzer: Hillary, this question is being asked from our Twitter feed by the President of CNN because we want good ratings for the show. In your testimony before Congress, you said that you thought Benghazi was a new Playstation game when you first heard that people were mad about a video that had surfaced denigrating the Prophet. Do you now realize that the Wii is the superior game playing platform?
Hillary: I made the best judgement I could at the time based upon all available information. I admit it. I did vote for the War in Iraq. But I was misled. I have always supported our troops, whether in real life or on the Playstation. Safety for our ambassadors abroad has always been my top priority.
Wolf: Mr. Trump, you have 2 minutes and 72 seconds to respond. Just to remind our viewers at home, when the yellow light comes on, you must speak in Portuguese. If the red light comes on, please say something controversial.
Mr Trump: Well, first off, let me say that I love the Portuguese. Almost as much as I love women. Women are now soldiers, wow. They support me. Always have. I am leading in the polls. But, Hillary. You made a big mistake. I can see why Bill has to look elsewhere. I mean, not to be insulting. But look at Melania. Benghazi. Need I say more. We lost. America gets no respect.
Hillary: I object. We are here to have a debate and focus on the issues facing the country. Mr Trump has no experience in government. His Benghazi policy is, quite frankly, dangerous. The world leaders do not want to disband NATO. Nuking our enemies, unless they are Republicans, is not a reasonable plan. This is not a game.
Wolf: Mr Trump, in 1992, you said you would never change your mind about anything. However, a recent CNN poll indicates that 90% of the American people believe you have bought real estate that you later you sold. You currently have two houses on the market. If you liked them when you bought them, why would you sell them? How can we trust you?
Trump: I make deals. I wrote the book on making deals. I didn’t change my mind, I made money. Lots of it. I even gave some money to Bill and Hillary. They liked it. You wanna talk about trust? Let’s send something confidential to Incompetent Hillary. Let me ask you something. Who are the democrats voting for, Bill or Hillary?
Hilary: My husband was a great president, but this election is about me. Me, me, me, me. Mr. Trump, I resent you questioning my credentials and bringing my family into this debate. I have done my best to serve this country and will continue to pursue the policies of Barrack Obama, unless the polls say I should do otherwise. You aren’t nice, Donald. You are dangerous.
Donald: Hey, I’m a great guy. Ask anyone. I just don’t like people who aren’t Americans like me. Obama is a loser. We need winners. We need to stop hiding our head in the sand, Hillary. My crowds are way bigger than yours.
Hillary: We have to learn how to bring people together. Families are the future of this great country. Mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, nieces. I would be the first female president.
Donald: My hands are big if you know what I’m talking about. There’s no problem. No problem at all. I love women. Most women are jealous of my wife. It’s a free country. But, seriously, can you see Hillary as president?
Wolf: Our CNN Accutrac Ratings Monitor is now on autodestruct. We must stop this slide to doomsday. Viewers are tuning out, so let me ask this: Mr Trump, if you had a choice between being a Republican and being a nymphomaniac, which would you choose if the election were stolen from you by the Republican party?
Donald: That’s the best question you’ve asked all night, Wolf. Admit it, the questions from you press people are not fair.
Hillary: I don’t see how this question is relevant. The American people are facing a decision that will affect the future of the country. We must be serious.
Donald: Your husband, Hill. Nymphomaniac.
Hillary: Knowing what I know now, of course I would have pulled out of Benghazi. But, I too have a personal life, and I intend to keep some things private.
Donald: Like your e-mails?
Hillary: My husband, Bill, was the greatest president ever. How dare you call him names.
Wolf: Autodestruct sequence engaged…10, 9, 8, … Call Captain Kirk to the bridge. People are tuning out of the debate to watch old Star Trek movies. Beam me up.