Let’s imagine the unimaginable: it’s a year from now, the presidential election was not rigged, Donald Trump was elected president, and you and I are still alive.
Trump is having his first press conference at Trump Towers, the new home of the president. Trump did not want to live in the squalor of what he called the White Shack. Matt Lauer somehow managed to keep his job after the Commander-in-Chief debacle, so he is asking the President questions.
Lauer: Your excellency, Mr. President, you have been in office almost a year and no wall has been built as you promised.
Trump: Have you ever heard of metaphor, Matt? Don’t they teach this concept at journalism school at Ohio University?
Lauer: You have built numerous fancy Trump hotels on the Mexican border. How has that solved the immigration problem?
Trump: I’m a builder. The hotels keep out the rapists, robbers, and killers. Those who want entry in our country simply have to stay at the hotel for six months, pay the going room rate, and undergo extreme vetting every night in the cocktail lounge. It may seem like a long time, but we offer courses people can take for a slight fee.
Lauer: You also promised Mexico would pay for the wall.
Trump: Mexico does pay. When we catch people trying to cross the border illegally, we put them to work in hotel construction or room cleaning, and we don’t pay them anything. Nada. Mexico pays, alright.
Lauer: Let’s change the topic. The Russian Embassy has enlarged considerably and moved to Atlantic City. Chris Christie has said that having the embassy on the boardwalk has sparked economic renewal, but critics say that the Russian Atlantic City has become a mecca for computer hackers, prostitutes, child pornographers, sex traffickers, illegal gamblers, murder for hire schemers, and phony beauty pageants. Has your new business partnership with Vladimir Putin had anything to do with this?
Trump: Matt, the press won’t leave this alone. Putin and I admire each other. We are the leaders of the world. I am President. What I say goes. Things are far better in New Jersey today than ever before. Remember Hurricane Sandy? Horrible. Obama’s fault. Now people have jobs. The Cold War is over. Russia and the United States work together. It’s great.
Lauer: Of course, the biggest criticism you have faced was your use of neutron bombs on five supposed terrorist countries. Are you afraid that history will judge you as a perpetrator of war crimes?
Trump: I had to go with what my generals told me, after I got rid of the incompetents. None of the people who were living in those countries will ever be involved in terrorists attacks against the United States again. I guarantee it. Protect and defend. It’s in the Constitution. I know. I have always carried around a copy in pocket. I look at the original in my office every day.
Lauer: Is it true that you ordered the strikes after reading a tweet from President Assad saying you had small feet?
Trump: I wear size twelve shoes, Matt. That’s the biggest size there is. Assad was a small man. He couldn’t be trusted. Putin and I tried to work out a deal with him, but he attacked first. When that happens, I respond. I’m a fighter. I know I was never in the military, but I fought in my business dealings. I have a Purple Heart. If anyone disagrees, I tell them they better listen. They do what I say or else. Believe me. You can read my doctor’s report on my feet. Perfect. The best feet on the planet.
Lauer: You promised to help the African-Americans by saying, “What do you have to lose”? My question is are African-Americans better off today than they were a year ago?
Trump: Of course they are. There are several in my administration. My best friends. I think we even have a black woman in the president’s cabinet.
Lauer: Yes, but some criticize your selection of the cabinet members. Having every position filled by family members except for one does not…
Trump: I considered doing away with the departments of education, energy, health and human services, labor, and many others. But, I thought, if we just had the right leadership, we could make the government great again. Ivanka is beautiful, don’t you think?
Lauer: But isn’t Barron a little young to be running the Department of Education?
Trump: Matt, he’s the person in my family most likely to be affected by educational decisions. He’s a Trump. Isn’t he doing great? That story about him having some principals spanked is simply not true. Liberal media. Haven’t gotten rid of them yet. Roger’s working on it.
Lauer: Thank you, your excellency. The United States of Trump is far better off, given your incredible leadership. The UST is truly great again.
Trump: Thank you, Matt. You’re a good boy.