The press is promoting the first presidential debate as if it were the boxing match of the century. Some are saying as many people as watch the Superbowl will tune in to the Clinton-Trump bout.
In this corner, with a degree from Wharton, lots of money from his dad, and a starring role on The Apprentice, is a 70-year-old who knocked out Lyin’ Ted, Low Energy Jeb, a host of other Republicans, and the press. He has shown no fear in insulting Mexicans, gays, blacks, women, journalists, gold star parents, and many others. While he has no political experience, he has successfully bribed candidates for years. His views on foreign and domestic policy are well-known; he will make everything great. He is famous for his big time wrestling moves. His backers include Vladimir Putin, Roger Ailes, and Ted Cruz (on and off and on again). Here he is, the Orange Bomber, Donald Trrrrrrrrump.
And in this corner, with a degree from Wellesley, where she was the class president, and a law degree from Yale, is a 68-year-old, who defeated Bernie Sanders, Several House Select Committees on Benghazi, Rick Lazio, and Ken Starr among others. She has been a partner at the Rose Law Firm, First Lady of the United States, two-time senator from New York, and the Secretary of State. She is famous for fighting for health care, advocating for children, supporting women’s rights, and standing by her man, Bill Clinton. She is also well-known for promoting military intervention and shifting positions to get elected. Her backers include everyone but the deplorables. Here she is, the Pant Suit Powerhouse, Hilllllary Rodham Clinnnnnton.
Round One: The two boxers eye each other warily. You can see the hatred in their eyes. The two are circling. Trump’s opening jab is a Monica Lewinski. Clinton parries by pointing out Trump’s three wives. Trump does a quick foot shuffle and tries a Benghazi upper cut. Clinton covers her face with her gloves to block this vicious attack. Trump sees an opening and hits her with a jab to the stomach on her poor health. Clinton counterpunches by pointing out that he is older than she and his health records were written by a flake doctor. They were both hurt a bit, but the bell sounds, and the boxers return to their corners. The news commentators revise the odds. Trump now looks like the favorite.
Round Two: Hillary comes out swinging. She lands a tax return right to Trump’s chin. He is momentarily dazed, but he swings with his left hand and connects with a Wall Street speaking fee. Clinton plays defense. She does the rope-a-dope, allowing Trump to punch away at her gloves. Roger Ailes is screaming for blood from his ring-side seat. Mark Cuban is telling Hillary to let him punch himself out. Hillary blocks a few more shots, then sidesteps his blows, hitting Trump hard with an easy question, “Who is the prime minister of England?” Trump looks dazed. She continues her assault. “Was Russia an ally or an enemy during WWII?” “Were African-Americans ever slaves in this country?” Trump’s knees are wobbling. He looks to the referee for help. Fortunately for him, the bell rings. The round ends. Trump shouts the match is rigged.
Round Three: Hillary took a bathroom break and is late returning. Trump is demanding that he be named the champion since Hillary took a minute longer than was agreed upon. “She has some kind of woman problem,” he states. “She’s not fit to be president.” But, the fight must go on. The American people demand to see this absurd contest. (It’s as absurd as a race car driver, lined up on the oval track, going up against a horseback rider who demands to cut across the infield, leaving a trail of manure behind him.) Trump now knows he can be hurt. He is wary. Donald is no longer dancing, nor is he taunting her. Hillary looks determined. She is cutting him off as he tries to circle her from a distance. The crowd gets quiet. 100 million people are watching on TV. Trump has some blood on him coming from wherever. Clinton leads with the question, “How many branches of government are there?” Trump parries with, “In my administration the people will love me so much, we’ll only need one, Crooked Hillary.” Clinton ignores the bait and keeps up the pressure with a shot to the chin, “Who can declare war?” Trump looks stunned. Melania looks shocked. “You know this one, Donald,” she shouts. Encouraged, Trump fights back, “I will be in charge.” He hits Hillary back with, “I have been given a purple heart. I have made so many sacrifices. People will follow me. I will not let America be dissed. If I did not get a red carpet on my arrival in China, I would bomb the Chinese back to the stone age.” The crowd gasps. Some begin cheering wildly and chanting, “Make America Great Again.” Hillary looks to the crowd as she winds up for the knockout blow and says, “America can be better, but it is already great.” She hits Donald solidly in his gut. Donald’s lips purse. Hot air spews out of him. His hair stands on end and his face changes from orange to white as he shrinks to the size of a three-foot tall child. Half the crowd is shouting that Hillary hit Donald with a low blow. But, the bout is over. The referee says that children should not be allowed to get into political fights.